Watching my family drive away to church without me led to tears.  Tears of sadness that I am not with them having those conversations in the car. Tears of sadness for Lucky having to go places without his partner.  Tears of guilt for not being with Daniella and Reid and spending so much time in bed.

I have been having constant stomach aches, total fatigue, headaches, face broken out, joint pain, etc…  It is time I do something about it.  So starting today, I am going on a juice/blending fast again.  I honestly don’t know how long I will do it.  It is not an ideal time for me.  Mostly because I teach Body Pump and Boot Camp tomorrow.  And oh, that big holiday THANKSGIVING is just 4 days away!

Yesterday I was angry.  Angry that I am still sick all of the time. But I am not angry at God.  I actually prefer times like this.  Simply because I am more aware of my need for Him.  When I am feeling okay, well, I don’t always feel I need Him for each breath. Right now, however, I am acutely aware of how I can’t do this alone.  I rely on Him for so much more.  This is how I should always be.  I guess that is why Paul said that, …when he is weak, then he is strong. I wholeheartedly agree.

So this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for all of the good things Lupus brings to my life.  And I am hopeful that I will feel better soon.

I can’t ever decide when and what to post. I am getting better little by little.

However, Lupus still sucks a lot of the life out of me.  I maintain some normalcy through the week while I homeschool and teach classes.  And I am able to attend more functions than I used to. But I spend most weeknights and weekends in bed. And this week I had a day where tears took over and I couldn’t get out of bed to homeschool. The kids are troopers. Luck is amazing.

Along with other symptoms, I am having an upset stomach every day.  Really not sure why on that one, as I am eating such a limited diet.  I think that it could be inflammation inside of me. I’ve been considering getting a more in depth food intolerance test. But frankly, I don’t want to!  I don’t want any other foods taken away from me right now.  We need to have it done for Daniella and Reid, as well.  It isn’t covered by insurance.  And that fact, along with a lack of desire to take anything else out, has my head stuck in the sand.  At least I am admitting it, right?  The first step is acknowledgement….

So besides a few things here and there, this weekend I was busy putting a giant dent in our bed.  I am once again sad to constantly miss sweet time with the family, but so appreciative that I can take the time to let my body heal. 

My observations:

Christians don’t always respond well to vegans.  There is an instant defense mechanism that seems to kick in whenever I tell one that we (Sometimes I, but for the most part, we) are eating vegan in the home.  I tend to get the vibe that Christians feel that God intended for us to eat meat and therefore, this is NOT something they want to be a part of.  Biblical references are always tossed out there.

Here is my personal place of reconciliation.  Yes, God did provide quail for the Israelites in the wilderness.  Yes, rabbinical law speaks clearly of how to handle animal foods.  And yes, the New Testament speaks of slaughtering the fattened calf when the prodigal son returned home.  And so many, many more examples.  The Bible also clearly states that all foods are permissable.

So eating meat is not a spiritual problem.  What my research has found is that the meat we eat now, the milk we drink, the eggs we cook with, etc…. have all been raised and fed very differently than what God intended. And THAT is the problem.

Cows used to eat grass and wander in fields.  Now they are fed corn, which is toxic to them. But it fattens them.  And they get stuck with hormones to further fatten them up. The same is true for all other animal products.  From the fish we eat from “fish farms” to the cheese we buy at HEB.  It has all been made “better” by our American way.  Our gov’t so heavily supports the corn industry, there is no question why corn syrup is in everything.  (And no, it is not just corn sugar.  The process it goes through to make it in to high fructose corn sugar is so chemically laden, it is sad)  There is also no question why our cows are fed corn.  They were not meant to eat it.  Go ahead, watch some of the food documentaries floating around out there.  You will see!  I am not making this stuff up!  And if you want a list, start with Forks Over Knives.  Then watch King Corn, Food, Inc, and SO many others!!

Well, there is my explanation.  I DO believe God gave us animals to sustain us.  But we were not meant to eat the portions we eat here in the US.  We don’t consider it a meal unless something had a mama on the plate.  And our animals were not meant to be fed and housed the way they are.  I think that eating healthy animals in moderation is perfectly healthy! For our family, that means a few times a week.  For me, none.

And THAT is how I, as a Christian, can swallow the fact that being vegan is contributing to the improvement of my disease, as well as many others. 

And before you ask…yes, we still buy some animal products.  The kids still love grilled cheese and egg in the holes.  They like cheese on their pizza.  When we are out to eat or at people’s houses, all 3 of the other Smiths eat whatever is served.  But we don’t buy meat or cook it.  And we don’t drink cow’s milk.  We have completely switched to almond milk. The kids prob go for days eating vegan and don’t even know it.  They are getting plenty of calories, plenty of protein, and LOTS of veggies, fruits, and nuts. 

Please don’t judge us.  I don’t judge you.  Promise.  And I never forget that no matter what I do or don’t do…I know who is in control.  It is not my diet alone making me better.  ;)

This weekend was a test for me. We had a garage sale. These are typically stressful, exhausting, and LONG. So last week, I took the challenge upon myself to not let it be those things. Knowing that I was starting to come out of a flare scared me that this would send me back in. If you don’t yet know autoimmune diseases, know this: Stress = disease flare (gets worse for a week or two). So last week, I paced myself and went through our whole house and purged. It felt great. I still napped every day and did fun stuff with the kids (no school last week). Friday, we priced a few things, borrowed some tables, and called it quits at 8 pm. We relaxed and knew that whatever was supposed to sell, would. Sat morning, we pulled our unorganized junk out, had a sweet friend bring her much cuter junk, and sold until noon. I came in and layed down during the sale for a bit (nobody even knew!) because my body needed it. And at noon, we packed up the car and took everything to Goodwill. We didn’t make a ton of money, but we made some, we decluttered, and I learned how to have a garage sale without making myself sick! Yay! The relief is that this flare has settled! My fevers have finally gone away after 2 weeks of them being non stop. I am grateful and still resting and trying to care for myself so that it doesn’t happen again. (April, it was a blast doing that together! You are generous and sweet! Friends who came, thank you!! You are a blessing to me and you are all sweet for buying Gatorade and Rice Krispy treats from our kids)

Fever won’t let up, body aches, total and extreme exhaustion.  This is one of the worst flares I can remember.

Also, my blood work came back with less than stellar reports.  5 of my blood irregularities worsened.  My WBC count is too low. And other oddities.  I am sure this is normal when you go off your meds.  I am just ready for some of these natural remedies to work.  I don’t pretend to enjoy kale for breakfast!

And yes, my doctor is monitoring me.  I have a call in to him right now and am guessing I am going to need a small amount of prednisone to get this one to quit.  I am also considering a juice fast since it did the trick last time.

These days are long and hard.  And I am so grateful to sweet friends who check on me and help me out. 

I asked God for strength to homeschool today.  And He not only gave it to me, but allowed both of the kids’ workloads to be light enough that we can actually do it all without having to let the teachers know that I am not well.  I HATE playing the “I am sick” card.  Sometimes I have to.  Not today :)

Had a bit of a stressful week.   Sure enough, it send me in a flare.  I am hoping it will go away soon.  On Friday, I started getting a fever and stayed in bed almost all day.  Followed that up by today and tomorrow in bed with fever. 

Still eating vegan.  Still exercising.  Still losing weight. Slowly, but surely! Hair falling out and face breaking out (always happens on flares). 

But tomorrow is a new day!  Hopefully I will wake up ready to take on a new week.  Until then, yaaaaaawn.  :)

For those of you who would like to know how this new diet is affecting me, I can tell you the following:

-I am NO worse than I was ON the meds. Yay!  I am hoping it will only go up from here.

-I do have more symptoms like sores in my nose and hair loss and fever, BUT I have NO tummy pain!  This has been a life of tummy pain that I am out of for the first time EVER.

-I think it may be working!  I have moments of normalcy now and then.  And it feels fabulous!  I still nap for hours at a time (I am not a natural napper) and my body aches regularly.  BUT there are actually times where I feel totally normal!!!!

This is great news!  By the way, have you watched Forks Over Knives?  If not, do so.  You will have a greater understanding of the “why” behind the madness!  Don’t worry, it won’t show bloody cows or disgusting chicken fat!  Just a great documentary I think everyone should see.

Thanks for checking in and caring!

So sometimes I am all gung ho on those shakes of mine!  I have now managed to get to the 3:1 ratio of veg to fruit, on the recommendation of Elisa at http://www.eaturveggies.com.  Yay, me! 

And then today, I woke up and wanted NOTHING to do with those dang shakes!  I am tired of kale and collard greens for breakfast!  One kidlet was having cereal with bananas in it and the other was having buttered gluten free toast with a banana on the side.  Their food smelled FABULOUS!  And, I wanted COFFEE!  I made it through, drank my shake and had my water like a good girl :).

It is now lunch time.  And I don’t want to go downstairs and face it.  I want something tasty.  And it is all because I have eaten out more this week.  (thank you, Elisa, again, for teaching me!)  My taste buds are starting to want more oil, more salt, more FOOD!  They don’t like being tempted by what is out there.

But I am gonna pull up my big girl pants and see the next meal and the next and the next after that as my medicine.  And I am not going to complain any more.  I am blessed to have beautiful food to eat!

So broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, kale, etc…bring it ON!

(ps…I have neither craved nor had chocolate in MONTHS. Can you believe THAT one?!?!?)

For real.  People constantly say things about doctors not being on board with natural remedies.  Well, mine is defying the odds!

I went in today, the first time seeing him since going off of my meds, fully expecting him to make some sort of medical recommendation.  He didn’t!  He was happy with where I am.  He wanted me to keep at it.  He asked specifically what foods I was avoiding and was happy to see that corn was on the list of no’s for me.  (this was before he knew I was allergic to corn)  He likes that I am completely off of gluten.  And we had a great discussion about what animals eat (CORN!) and why that can be so bad for us and, specifically, me. 

He recommended I start taking Tumeric (not just plain ‘ole, but a specialized form which is basically wrapped in a fat molecule so it is delivered directly to where it needs to be absorbed).  He also wants me on algea oil.  Gave me the number of Omega 3’s he wants and explained the science behind it and that was that.

He said he would be happy for more of his patients to be like this but that the majority are just not interested.  And he said that he expects to see good results.  I think his main reasoning was that patients who actively seek alternatives and take steps to improve their condition, do! 

He doesn’t like that I had fever for a week and a half and that my hair is falling out like CRAZY again.  These are things that have not happened since my disease was extremely active.  So he wants to see if these supplements knock some of that out.  And he took blood to see what is happening inside of me.  If my body is showing that some of my markers are getting worse, we will stay the course for the next few months and then reevaluate.  He wants to give this time to really work. 

On a side note, I got stung under my arm by a bee in the Costco parking lot!  We were loading the car and I felt it and asked Lucky what on EARTH was dangling from my arm (it was right on the inside of my arm near my triceps).  He pulled the stinger out.  It hurt, but whatever.  Just pain.  HOWEVER, over the last few days it has been SO bothersome!  My arm is still so swollen and red (2 1/2 days later).  I held my arm up to my doc today and said, “So, I guess it is normal when you have an autoimmune disease to have a reaction like this to a bee sting?”  He said, “No!  THAT is an allergic reaction to a bee sting!  Do you have an epi pen?”  I don’t and should since I have had anaphylactic shock before.  So by tomorrow I will have one.  They have never tested for bees b/c I have never been stung.  For some reason, you can’t test for them until you have.  And you just never know when you will get a bad enough sting for a bad reaction.

I have had a few good days, mixed in with some hard ones.  But that flare has ended and I am trying to nap a lot and avoid stress (ha!!!) as much as possible.  And my dietitian, Elisa Rodriguez at http://www.eaturveggies.com, has been absolutely invaluable!  Please go visit her if you are considering this lifestyle change.  She has me doing things I never thought I could! 

Glad to give a positive report! I am now off to bed to get that good stuff called SLEEP!

Liquids, liquids, and more liquids!

I am SO ready to chew something!  It is not that I am all that hungry.  I just want to chew!!

Each day has looked like this:

Breakfast: Juice, that I juice myself…of any of the following: apple, beets, pear, orange, cucumber, carrots, etc… (prob a cup and a half of juice)

Lunch: Blended Kale or bok choy with carrots and tomatoes or fruits. 

Snack: Another juice.

Dinner: An avocado blended with either pineapple or mango or banana

Snack: banana pureed

The smell of food has satisfied me when I feel hungry.  All of the foods have been raw. And by blending or juicing I am predigesting, in a way, everything. Giving my body the instant nutrients and allowing it to focus it’s energy on healing. 

I took a 2 1/2 hour nap today.  That is what happens when your body is healing and doesn’t have a lot of extra calories, I guess. 

The good news: I have not had fever since the juice fast began.  First time in a few weeks to not have fever.  So even though lots of doctors advise against fasts…I can tell you that this one did good!  And it is not even a water fast or a complete juice fast!  My other symptoms are still here. 

I worry about eating again tomorrow and what it will do to my symptoms.  But I am really excited about food!!  My sweet friend, Kate, made tomato soup for her family (vegan with low salt and oil) and brought me some.  I am SO excited because I will definitely be having that for breakfast (with some kale in it, of course….gotta have crucifers!).

Right now I am trying to meal plan for the week. It is challenging knowing what to feed the family in the midst of this.  Lucky actually wants to eat like me.  He is not wanting to be a vegan, but he feels like he gets plenty of meat outside of our dinner time. When we go out to eat or when he packs his lunches, meat is involved. Same with the kids.  They get plenty.  So dinner time is a way for me to introduce foods that nourish ALL of our bodies and make us all healthier.  Don’t get me wrong, I made meatloaf for the family last week. But I also made a vegan black bean soup one night.  Just trying to wade my through this new world….